This is going to be a big post as I explain what has happened to me in the last 17 years.
Life is a struggle. Everyone will face ups and downs sometime in your life. Some people experience it more and worse. Suicide and depression are such a massive part of today’s society. Why? Because what some people do not understand is the words and actions have a strong impact on a person. But if we didn’t face these hard times we wouldn’t be the person we are today. All we can do is learn and grow from it and stay positive because the only way you can get out of this depression state is if you help yourself. You can see as many counsellors or nurses as you want but until you start wanting to get better then it won’t help. It has to come from you. No one else but you.
I’ll admit I’ve faced some tough times. It starts all the way back in primary school. If you didn’t know I’m in year 12 about to graduate so that was quite a while ago. During primary school I didn’t fit in with friends. I remember girls saying that they didn’t want to be friends with me and I didn’t even know what I did. This was at a young age so you would be able to tell, hearing that while so young would be devastating. Not knowing why. Thinking to yourself
“Am I really such a horrible person that no one even wants to be around me.”
I also didn’t have good family experiences. My mum and dad broke up when I was 3 when my mum had cancer so she wasn’t able to be there for me as much as she’d like. My dad has never been the supportive type and still isn’t. I remember always crying myself to sleep because there were so many arguments between everyone. Apparently, I use to hit my head against the floor or walls. Must be the reason my brain doesn’t work.
So yeah early years of my life weren’t the greatest. Then high school came and everything fell apart. Year 8 and 9 I still didn’t fit in and there were a few times I would come home crying because of bullies and some cases, I was scared to even arrive at school. But none of this was as bad as what happened in year 10. Year 10 would be by far the worse year. The main horrible and life changing thing was I was diagnosed with arthritis. You might think wow that’s it. People go through worse and yeah, you’re probably right but for me I’ve never experienced the amount of pain arthritis brings. Some days it’s that bad I cannot even walk or move. It’s caused so many broken friendships due to them not understanding why I’m missing so much school. Due to them not understanding why I can’t see them. I got told I was faking it. That I was just using it as an excuse. All of these horrible things were being said. Even my dad was one of those people saying I was using it as an excuse. Can you imagine hearing your own father speak those words? I also had to get steroid injections in both my knees which resulted in me being in a wheel chair. It truly has been a rollercoaster.
There were also more bullying situations around the way and again I would be too scared to go to school. I would cry in the car and refuse to leave.
Next was the depression. I won’t go into much detail with this because that would be a whole new post but to summarize it I self-harmed and I had severe suicidal thoughts that led to being admitted into a mental health hospital. Twice. One last year and one this year.
Everyone will experience different hard times and it is okay not to be okay. It breaks my heart to see all the suicides lately. I’ve even lost a friend. Just know that things will get better and you are not alone. It may be stormy now but it never rains forever. If you are feeling this way please do not keep it in. You are not weak for feeling this way. You just need to talk to someone and get guidance so you can get better and you will but it takes time. You can’t get better after one, two or even three sessions. Don’t give up.