My Story

This is going to be a big post as I explain what has happened to me in the last 17 years. 

Life is a struggle. Everyone will face ups and downs sometime in your life. Some people experience it more and worse. Suicide and depression are such a massive part of today’s society. Why? Because what some people do not understand is the words and actions have a strong impact on a person. But if we didn’t face these hard times we wouldn’t be the person we are today. All we can do is learn and grow from it and stay positive because the only way you can get out of this depression state is if you help yourself. You can see as many counsellors or nurses as you want but until you start wanting to get better then it won’t help. It has to come from you. No one else but you.  

I’ll admit I’ve faced some tough times. It starts all the way back in primary school. If you didn’t know I’m in year 12 about to graduate so that was quite a while ago. During primary school I didn’t fit in with friends. I remember girls saying that they didn’t want to be friends with me and I didn’t even know what I did. This was at a young age so you would be able to tell, hearing that while so young would be devastating. Not knowing why. Thinking to yourself  

“Am I really such a horrible person that no one even wants to be around me.” 

I also didn’t have good family experiences. My mum and dad broke up when I was 3 when my mum had cancer so she wasn’t able to be there for me as much as she’d like. My dad has never been the supportive type and still isn’t. I remember always crying myself to sleep because there were so many arguments between everyone. Apparently, I use to hit my head against the floor or walls. Must be the reason my brain doesn’t work.  

So yeah early years of my life weren’t the greatest. Then high school came and everything fell apart. Year 8 and 9 I still didn’t fit in and there were a few times I would come home crying because of bullies and some cases, I was scared to even arrive at school. But none of this was as bad as what happened in year 10. Year 10 would be by far the worse year. The main horrible and life changing thing was I was diagnosed with arthritis. You might think wow that’s it. People go through worse and yeah, you’re probably right but for me I’ve never experienced the amount of pain arthritis brings. Some days it’s that bad I cannot even walk or move. It’s caused so many broken friendships due to them not understanding why I’m missing so much school. Due to them not understanding why I can’t see them. I got told I was faking it. That I was just using it as an excuse. All of these horrible things were being said. Even my dad was one of those people saying I was using it as an excuse. Can you imagine hearing your own father speak those words? I also had to get steroid injections in both my knees which resulted in me being in a wheel chair. It truly has been a rollercoaster.  

There were also more bullying situations around the way and again I would be too scared to go to school. I would cry in the car and refuse to leave.  

Next was the depression. I won’t go into much detail with this because that would be a whole new post but to summarize it I self-harmed and I had severe suicidal thoughts that led to being admitted into a mental health hospital. Twice. One last year and one this year.  

Everyone will experience different hard times and it is okay not to be okay. It breaks my heart to see all the suicides lately. I’ve even lost a friend. Just know that things will get better and you are not alone. It may be stormy now but it never rains forever. If you are feeling this way please do not keep it in. You are not weak for feeling this way. You just need to talk to someone and get guidance so you can get better and you will but it takes time. You can’t get better after one, two or even three sessions. Don’t give up. 

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Sleep issues

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i’ve been experiencing something weird. Something that I’ve never took notice of until last night. All the other times this has happened I just thought it was nothing but maybe it isn’t. Maybe there is something actually wrong with me. So, what is it? Well first I need to explain some back story, starting last year.  

Last year I started experiencing really bad nightmares. So badly that I thought it was real and occasionally would wake up screaming.  

The first one was by far the worse. I was sleeping and then all of a sudden it felt like someone was pulling on my leg making m unable to move. I then tried to scream but I couldn’t. It was honestly the most frightening thing ever. The second time I screamed out my brother’s name and other times I would just heavily breathe while still asleep or scream again. Having this happen makes you scared, not knowing when it will happen again.  

Then this year I’ve been dreading going to sleep. I would stay up ridiculous times not wanting to sleep. For me this is extremely weird because I’m usually the type of person who loves their sleep. The reason I didn’t think much of this was I just thought I’d rather sleep next to my boyfriend at the time.  

Then last night happened. Which was the worse. I was alone as both my siblings weren’t here. It was very dark and 1am. I knew I needed to go to sleep but I didn’t want to. I just didn’t. I then told myself, 

“if you sleep now, tomorrow will come quicker,” which I’ve told myself a thousand times before. Usually I want to sleep for as long as possible. What was happening. I then had a panic attack. 

I realised that what I was feeling isn’t supposed to happen so I resulted to google search like most people do. I found an article that told me to write down exactly what I was feeling when it’s happening. I wrote that I feel vulnerable because I’m not conscious and anything could happen to me. I feel unsafe and alone. It’s extremely dark so when I hear I noise my instant reaction is to think that something bad is going to happen.  

My searching then went deeper. I found that maybe the past nightmares could be another reason why I’m experiencing this and then I found someone explain the exact thing I was feeling. About the fear of not being conscious but they also said the fear of not waking up and I think that as well. So, what am I experiencing? I can’t be certain. I can’t self-diagnose myself but what it might be is a phobia of sleeping. Why else would I be having such bad anxiety before bed? 

Should I tell my gp about this? Is there anything she can really do about it? Is there any advice you can give me? How do I get past a phobia of sleeping? Has anyone experienced something similar and wants to share?  

Any help would be great. I’m really scared for tonight. I don’t want this happening again. I went to sleep at 3 am last night and woke up at 10am. I am completely dead. My eyes have never hurt this much. I’ve tried having a nap but still nothing.  

I really hate this. Someone please help.  

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Suicide :(

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Suicide affects so many people in today’s society. From young to old. I wish that people weren’t so emotionally hurt to even think of wanting to die. There has to be something we can do to stop this because everyone deserves to live. Everyone deserves to live a full happy life. I searched up suicide statistics world wide and found this.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) estimates that each year approximately one million people die from suicide, which represents a global mortality rate of 16 people per 100,000 or one death every 40 seconds.

How is that possible. Just seeing that breaks my heart. I wish these people could have known that things do get better. That they wouldn’t have felt this way forever. One thing that I have noticed is suicide in guys is vastly higher than women and I think I know why. In today’s society the man is seen as strong one and if they are seen being weak it’s not accepted. They are grown up to be manly and if they aren’t they are scrutinised by society which is so wrong. Everyone is going to experience hard times if men were allowed to not feel okay without getting judged maybe just maybe they might be able to seek the help the deserve. It’s okay not to be okay and that applies to everyone

In the past year I have lost 2 friends from suicide. Both guy friends and both I didn’t know were struggling because they kept it in until it consumed them and it was too late. Then people care. People only care once it’s too late. Let’s call this friend Fred, the friend I lost in April, he had 100 people post on his Facebook timeline after he passed. 100 people. Where were they when he needed them the most. Why couldn’t they of said this stuff when he was still here. I know its hard to tell who is struggling but one message could have been enough.

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The second friend I literally lost yesterday. Might I add he was an old friend. A friend I hadn’t talked to in years. And the worse part was the day before he passed he messaged me. But because he sent me an x I didn’t reply because my ex who I’m still kinda talking to was jealous. I feel so guilty for not replying. What if he just messaged me asking for advice or just to see if someone cared. Maybe I could have helped him but I was too late.

I’ve been in that state before and it sucks. It really does. I know why they did it because the pain gets too much that you can’t physically deal with it. You feel so numb that you just sit there with a blank emotion or you sit there screaming and crying heavily. But you cry only when you are alone. You wouldn’t dare to cry near someone and let them know you’re struggling.

The only thing that kept me here was the fear of putting this pain onto someone else like my family. Because people who are going through this might think it won’t affect someone but it will. Someone who looked at you badly or said something nasty will think it’s their fault. So many people will blame themselves for not noticing you were experiencing this. This pain your feeling won’t go away it will just go onto someone else.

If you see someone upset or even if you see someone smile at them or compliment them. Something as simple “you look really nice today” could make someone feel good and brighten their day. Maybe message an old friend to see how they are going because you have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors. Why do we still feel the need to say rude comments about one another. Yes, I know we are bound to meet people we don’t like but there is no need to say a nasty comment. What does that achieve? There are nicer ways of saying this.

All I wish in life was that everyone would be nice to each other. Maybe then one million people won’t have to die each year. It’s horrible how high that number is. We should do whatever it takes to bring that number down drastically…

If you’re are feeling like this please seek help. Keeping it in is just going to cause more pain. You will get through this but you can’t do it alone. 

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What is love?

What is love? How do you know if you’re in love? All these questions that no one really knows the answer. If no one knows the answer how are you supposed to know. I’m only young I don’t know a thing about love. 

I love the idea of love. You see movies and they have the most heartwarming love stories and everyone wants to experience that. To have a guy outside your window with a boombox. A guy to bring you flowers. To have someone dedicate a song to you and sing it in front of crowd. To have someone sweep you off your feet. To do anything for you but does this kind of stuff really happen in life?  

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I could write about the idea of love for ages. I want to be in love and I thought I was but how can you be so sure. How do you know that this person is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Is high school too soon to be talking about that? Wouldn’t someone want to experience life before starting to settle down with “the one”? 

Ah “the one”. So many people speak about this but is there a such thing as the perfect guy. The one that is perfect for you. And again, how do you know? With love comes with so many unanswered questions. Who is the one? When will you find him? Is he truly the one for you? 

I myself have not experienced a good love life with the one boyfriend I have had. Our love story isn’t anything like the movies. We didn’t look into eachothers eyes and fireworks sparked into the sky. We didn’t have the whole love at first sight.But again, is there a such thing as love at first sight.  

We met when I was talking to his friend let’s call him Mark. Mark invited me to play xbox once. Yeah, I know romantic. I then became friends with his friends and started to hang out with them. At this point Mark and I had finished. One of the guys there was called Harry (these aren’t the real names but I’d rather keep that a secret.) Harry and I started to get close. We talked nonstop of facebook and then decided to hang out one on one. We had so much in common. A few weeks past and he asked me out. That’s when it went down hill. 

I wrote down everything that happened and then deleted it because It was too hard to write down and potentially have people read it. Maybe one day I’ll be able to write about it but that isn’t now. What happened with him was terrible and traumatizing. That’s all I can say. After it happened I eventually broke it off with him and he didn’t take it well. He would constantly message me saying all these things that my mum said was basically harassment. It was hard for me as well. To not talk to him. Whenever I found something funny I instantly wanted to show him so we could laugh together. He was the only person who supported me and was there for me through the hardest of times.  

2 months past and I missed him too much. Plus, the ball was coming up and we already agreed to go. At this point he didn’t do anything to make it up to me. No flowers. No boombox. Nothing. I told him this every day that if he wanted me back he needed to do something. Then I told him about the flowers. I had to tell him to do it so does that really count when he finally did bring me some? We then started to hang out more again. Getting close. Then eventually kissing. We have had some good times where we went out. Like on a dolphin cruise for his birthday which I had to plan and then the ball. He did get me this really pretty corsage for the ball but I keep thinking that he only did because I told him. And now we are back to the sexual things which happen too much. I’m starting to feel overwhelmed and confused. Do I really love him? Do I want to stay with him? What if I end it and then the “harassment” starts again. The flowers were the only thing he has done. Since then nothing. I just don’t know what to do.  

I’m tired of wondering if he is right for me.  I’m tired of doubting if I’m truly in love because if I was I wouldn’t have these doubts. Right? I’m tired of crying, scared to hurt him and myself.  So maybe deep down I know the answer but I’m too scared to admit it. What if I do and I make the wrong choice. What if he really is “the one” but i just cant see it. All these what if questions.

I love the idea of love but then a part of me hates it. It’s full of arguments and overwhelming situations. There are good parts to it but it seems like the bad overtake the good. Love is not like the movies.

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Don’t give up

Today i started a blog. My second blog to be exact. My first one was going okay actually i was getting like 60 views maybe more and then I just gave up.

One day i woke up and thought to myself “what the heck are you doing thinking that any cares or reads your blog” so no matter how much i liked it. I stopped because I didn’t and still don’t believe in myself. I see all these people who get 200 likes their post seem like its writen by James Patterson or something like that and then I tell myself more negative things “your posts will never be that good.” So i stopped and never looked back. Well thats a lie I kept getting emails from people uploading a blog probably like 10 times a day so i had to log back in just to unfollow.

The same thing is happening again. Maybe like 5 minutes ago i published my first post on this account and because it didn’t go viral in those 5 minutes all those negative thoughts came rushing back. I went and tried following a bunch of people to see if at least one person would notice me but then i noticed something. Everyone i saw was like freaking miley cyrus. They all had 100 + likes. Okay so maybe no quite miley cyrus but compared to me they might as well been. So here i am again wanted to give up before i’ve even started.

Might i add that i am a 17 year old with no experience at all with writing. Well if you count my short stories I had to write for school. English was always my favourite because i got to write. I was most likely terrible at it but i didn’t give up. Completely. There was times were i thought it wasn’t good enough but dont worry mum always comes to the rescue but thats a story for a different time. I don’t know why I do this to myself but I just do. I guess there’s apart of me that wants to be successful for once because I’ve never felt like I have. Ever. I guess that might come from the fact that my own mum doesn’t think I’m good enough to do my assignments so I want to prove to her that I can do something. Like that’s ever going to happen.

Yes i do like writing but tonight the real reason i started a blog again was I was starting to get down again. I don’t want to go back to the place i was. I needed to distract and let some feelings out. But is that really a good enough reason to continue disapointing myself?

what to do when your bored but you dont want to do anything

Have you ever been so incredibly bored that you start searching “what to do when your bored” and it comes with this massive list on what to do but none of it interests you. Then you realise you dont want to do anything. You dont have that motivation to do anything because me too.

This feeling that you’re feeling right now could be due to depression. I know it is for me. So that wedsite that you’re looking at that tells you to dance or sing isn’t really going to help is it? But when you are feeling like this you really do need to do something to distract yourself but what can you do when you have 0 motivation to do anything?

Well for me the best thing is to just write how you feel. Grab a pen and paper or even a computer and just type what comes to your brain. Don’t think about it, thinking is just going to make things worse. If you don’t like talking about your feelings to someone this is a great way of letting your feelings out without anyone knowing. Because the most important thing to do while depressed is letting your feelings out. You don’t want to keep it in. Another option to do with writing is maybe start a blog to give people advice on how to deal with it. Tell people what you have learnt so they can do the same thing.

But what if that doesn’t work? You want to know other things you can do because obviously writing doesn’t help everyone. I didn’t want to say this but colouring in. The reason why i didn’t want to say this because personly that just makes me even more bored after like colouring one section but everyone is different. So go out get an adult colouring book and see if you enjoy it.

Another thing that helps me is doing makeup. Makeup is something im very passionate about so doing it instantly makes me feel less bored and I also feel good about myself because it hides all my insecurities but not the point. So find something you are passionate about and do it. Even if its something so small like eating food, if it makes you happy and distracts yourself then its worth doing it.

If you aren’t like me and have friends you could go out and see them or if its a night time, text them or call them. Its good to surround yourself with people you care and support you. You don’t have to text them to tell them how your feeling. Just having a nice converation with them is more then enough.

But if you are like me and don’t have that family is a good option. You know family will always be there to love and support you. So catch up with someone in your family. Have a chat and a laugh. Maybe play some board games.

Theres so many things you can do to get out of that state but you just have to be wiling to try. I know it might seem hard to get out of this and distract yourself and believe me i know how hard it is but think of it as learning how to ride a bike you need practice. You can’t be an expert in one day.